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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 31098 times)
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Chet Malone
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Letter to revenue canada Dear Revenue Canada, or whatever your current name may be:Enclosed and/or attached, you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the Toronto Globe and Mail; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Canadian Department of National Defence is paying $171.50 per hammer Fisheries and Oceans Canada has paid $600.00 per toilet seat for its icebreakers. As payment, I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Canadian Tire, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Help Stephan Dion Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillip's Head screw (see aforementioned article from The Globe and Mail detailing how the Department of Public Works pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillip's Head Screws). One Philip's screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Due to the rising cost of hardware I may even be able to save on my shipping expenses by sending one or two less toilet seats next year! God Bless Canada ! Sincerely, a Newfie  |
Battle school depot 79/80 Petawawa
1RCR London Dukes coy 1980
3RCR 1980 - 1984 Baden
3RCR 1984 -1986 Winnipeg Kapyong Barracks
Infantry school Tpt Pl Gagetown 1986 - 1988
3RCR 1988 - 1992 Baden Q Coy Bn Tpt.
4RCR London 1992 - 1999 Reg force cadre
31 Bge HQ 1999-2001 Desk jockey.
Medical release in London 2001
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Doug Clarkson
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Ha Ha Ha ...Good ones guys!! Hey Chet my tax bill will be paid with just 4 hammers, Thanks for the info  LOL |
Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Buzz Gomes
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Hawhawhawhaw.. Good ones ...Guys..Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Doug Clarkson
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Ha Ha Good one Billy LMFAO
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Doug Clarkson
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A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Doug Clarkson
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Ha ha ha Good ones Billy!!
Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?" The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed"
Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?" The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"
Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?" The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"
Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?" The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Bill Norman
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Bill and Hillary are at a Yankee's home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head 'no.'
The agent then says, 'Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy.'
Bill hesitates, but changes his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Ok! If that is what the people want.'
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, 'Bill you' $#@&#&%'. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, 'How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!'
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, Bill asks, 'what is wrong'?
The agent replies, 'Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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Married Life
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?’
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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Good going Bill lolol
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Hawhawhawhaw...Great ones ..Guys...Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
And sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.The puzzled
blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Never the less, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After serveral minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked:
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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