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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 27416 times)
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Donald
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One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show & the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth southern drawl .
'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe It's A-comin'
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Buzz Gomes
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Hawhawhawhaw...Good ones Guys!!... Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
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Flies...
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, Are Ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses' rear?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' rear."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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David Payne
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(Optional) Your Text here.
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Did you hear about the school teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his snow boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got
the second boot on, she had
worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boys said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back
on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his
little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,"They're
my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots".
She will be eligible for parole in three years .
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Buzz Gomes
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Hawhawhawhawhaw...Great ones ..Guys..Thanks for the laughs.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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LOLOLOLOLOL Great ones Guys!!! Keep em on coming!!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Bill Norman
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
Did you dance much?
I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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LOLOLOLOLOL Gooood one Bill!!!!!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Donald
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a
large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those
countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas
Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then
asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these
conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians,
Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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Young Ken
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Fort York - 2 RCR 67-70 * 1 RCR Recce 70-74
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The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Ken
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Hawhawhawhawhawhaw.....Great ones...Guys...Thanks for the laughs..Keep them coming.
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Refugee Fairy
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee
claimant outside the Toronto immigration office.
'My good man,' the fairy said, I've been told to grant you
three wishes, since you just arrived in Canada with your wife
and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well where I come from we don't
have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold
in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-PING!- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in
his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.!
The refugee claimant now got bolder, 'I need a big house
with a three car garage in Oakville with eight bedrooms for
my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live
in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'
PING !
In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with
a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a
BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood,
' One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
' Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a Canadian. With Canadian
clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like Canadians.'
PING !
The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Blue Jays T-
shirt and a Maple Leaf baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and
the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new
house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck , Jack. Now that you are a Canadian, you
have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her
> in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up
> some groceries.
>
>
> Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
> rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the
> back of her head.
>
>
> O ne customer who had been at the store for a while became
> concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
> eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her
> if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the
> back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over
> an hour.
>
>
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
> the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands
> from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda
> had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
>
>
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
> a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
> hit her in the back of her head.
>
>
> When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the
> dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out,
> b ut quickly recovered.
>
>
> Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but that could be irrelevant.
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Jesse Reed
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Jump Club
« Reply #1310 on: April 29, 2008, 02:35:54 PM » |
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Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire. After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied,? 'Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys......... and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.'
'What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'
'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'
'You dirty old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'
'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!'
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Jesse Reed
reedj@rogers.com
1-866-808-9066
(Toll free North America)
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Don Marche
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