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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 27417 times)
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Buzz Gomes
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Posts: 465
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Great ones .... Guys.... Keep them coming...Lolololo
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 465
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Ain't It The Truth
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since
her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the
Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five
hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his
wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes
slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 137
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Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....’
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,
I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 465
Pro Patria
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Hawhawhawhaw..... Great ones ...Guys... Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 137
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A SMALL WHITE DOT
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 465
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Why God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her job has gone bust and she's in dire
financial straits. She's so desperate that
she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God, please help
me. I've lost my job and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house
as well. Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes, and somebody else
wins.
She again prays... 'God, please let me win
the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well,'
Lottery night comes and still no luck.
Once again , she prays...' My God, why have
you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house,
and my car. We are starving. I don't often ask
you for help, and I've always been a good servant
to you.
Please let me win the lottery just this one time so
I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the
heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God,
Himself....
'Sweetheart, work with Me on this...
BUY A TICKET.'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Doug Clarkson
Veteran 100+ Member
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Ha Ha Ha...Good ones Guys!!! Keep me laughing!
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts
into his grandpa's room. 'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as
Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'
'What?' said his grandpa.
'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland !!!'
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Doug Clarkson
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Posts: 165
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Should children witness childbirth?
Good question. Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
Offline
Posts: 137
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THE VIBRATOR!
As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, “Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he questioned her as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She cautiously entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.
The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied,
I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
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Jesse Reed
Veteran 100+ Member
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Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"  |
Jesse Reed
reedj@rogers.com
1-866-808-9066
(Toll free North America)
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 465
Pro Patria
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Hawhawhawhawhaw..... Good ones...Guys...Thanks fro the laughs,Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 465
Pro Patria
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Air Travel
There were three black ladies getting ready to
take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady
said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear
me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat
plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two
asked?
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down
and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey
gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floe-esant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare
plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up
in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear
any panties...'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears
me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane
goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first.
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
Offline
Posts: 406
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
>>> in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
>>> Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
>>>
>>> People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'
>>>
>>> The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
>>> long and happy marriage.
>>> The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
>>> America,' explained the man.
>>>
>>> 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the
>>> bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
>>> horse stumbled and she
>>> almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,
>>> 'That's once.'
>>>
>>> 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
>>> wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
>>>
>>> We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
>>> my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
>>> dead.
>>>
>>> I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
>>> poor animal like that,
>>> are you *%&#@$<mailto:*%25&#@$> crazy!?'
>>>
>>> She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
>>>
>>> And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.'
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