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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 27392 times)
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Bill Norman
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Posts: 137
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Alaska Xmas Party
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a Xmas party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex atthese parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 465
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Are You Kathlick?
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little boy said,
"We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said," You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, " What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Lutrans, because they sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!"
They all joined in asking,"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
" I think it means we're Pisspooterians.
Have a good day!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 465
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Hawhawhawhaw...Good one Donald..keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 465
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The Italian Old Timers Fire Crew
In the small town of Garfield, NJ, A fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building
was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to
the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They
have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them
to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the
situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate
the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine
of nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire department, composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To every one's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines
parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in
amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own
lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joy fully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was upping
the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief ,"What
are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat truck!!"
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 137
Pro Patria
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A Canadian man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that one?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she's never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that old Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Paul Martin's or Jean Chrétien's clock?" asked the man
"They're in Jesus' office. He's using them as ceiling fans."
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Doug Clarkson
Veteran 100+ Member
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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Pembroke these days?"
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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lolol Good ones!! Keep them coming.
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 137
Pro Patria
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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man saw another guy hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
"Just out of curiosity", he inquired, “what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've got to be kidding me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Sure..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. At this point the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later, another nature lover hiking by sees the naked guy handcuffed to the tree and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
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Donald
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This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Smile, life is too short not to !!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.
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Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 406
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ROOM 302
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with he r nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything.'
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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LOLOL Good ones Guys!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 406
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A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,
'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'
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Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 406
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Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon ?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love . I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important
Things..
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and
Understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!
FRIENDS FOREVER!
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