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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 27003 times)
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Buzz Gomes
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Excellent, guys, keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
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MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS...
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well , night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who
don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end - to - end, someone would be stupid enough to try to
pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the
things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man
to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the
hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Donald
Veteran 300+ Member
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Posts: 398
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TELL ME THIS WONT HAPPEN TO US!!!
THE DARNDEST
PLACES:
An elderly
Flo ridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken
into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher
said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the
back-seat by mistake.'
__________________________ __________________________ ____________________
FAMILY
Three
sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up
the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The
92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you
as soon as I see who's at the door.'
__________________________ ___ __________________________ _________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST
FINE!'
Three retirees,
each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked
to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second
man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And
the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
__________________________ __________________________ __________________________ ________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is
just too Precious.. LOL
!
Two elderly ladies
had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds
of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards
when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I k now
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name
is.'
Her
friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
__________________________ __________________________ ___________________
SENIOR
DRIVING
As a senior
citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard
his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!'
'Heck,' said
Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
__________________________ __________________________ ___________________
DRIVING
Two elderly
women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another
intersection and the light was red again Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the
next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we
just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned
to her and said, 'O h, crap, am I driving ?'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 457
Pro Patria
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Hahahahahahaha...Hey good ones Guys...Thanks for sharing.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 457
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A Drunk
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knock in,
there's no paper on this side either!'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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watts
Veteran 100+ Member
Offline
Posts: 161
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A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 457
Pro Patria
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Hahahahahaha...Good one..Randy..Thanks for the thought and effort..Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Tim McCully
Veteran 200+ Member
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Posts: 237
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Gentleman, am i wrong? has the Adjt. not had to post the above notice in the past? I just had a visual i would like to share with you all. Can you imagine the Adjt. rolling on the floor laughing at these jokes and having the responsibility to warn us of our misguidings, at the same time. HA,HA. Where is that freakin notice, damn mouse... lol
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1RCR (82-88) B coy 6pl, (84-85) UNFICYP- BBC coy Tpt, C coy 9pl, E coy Mortars, (88-90) CFB Halifax Base Chief's Staff, CFB Trenton Refinisher Tech.(90-92). UNFICYP,CPSM
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 457
Pro Patria
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Gentlemen, If my post of jokes are too vulgar or too offencive let "ME" know, so I can stand up and be counted. I scan my posts to ensure they are not to offencive and I try to put humor in them. Thanks, Take care. Soft Winds and Safe Landings.
Regards: Buzz Gomes
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 457
Pro Patria
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How To Dance In The Rain
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentle man in his 80s
arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry
as he had an appt. at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an
hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his
watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would
evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the
needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's
appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told
me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his
wife.
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while
and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if
she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew
who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though
she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I Still
know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left. I had goose bumps on my arm, and though
, 'That is the kind of love I want in my live.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that
is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that is in E-Mails, sometimes there is one that comes
along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make
the best of everything they have.
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Young Ken
Veteran 300+ Member
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Fort York - 2 RCR 67-70 * 1 RCR Recce 70-74
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Gentle Thoughts for Today--
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
= Ken
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 457
Pro Patria
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Hahahahahaha...Great ones..Guys...Thanks for sharing.
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 134
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While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe
Store. The Salesman said to them, 'I have some very
Special Jamaican sandals I think you would be
Interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
Sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband
Felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he
Was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you
Into a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the
Husband, after Some badgering from his wife, finally
Gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
Wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen
In many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband
Grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
Yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
Grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the
Wrong feet! You Got dem on the wrong feet!'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 457
Pro Patria
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Hi Donald & Bill
Hawhawhawhawhaw....good ones..Thanks for sharing.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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