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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 27419 times)
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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LOLOL GOOD JOKES!!!! KEEP EM COMMING!!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Don Marche
Ultimate 1000+ Member
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new
Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to
yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!'
He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?'
demanded his parents. (They knew what a
Chevrolet Avalanche costs. )
'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen
dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder.
'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?'
they said.
'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't
know her name - they just moved in. She saw me
ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must
be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do
next? John, you go right up there and see what's
going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street
to the house where the lady lived and found her
out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom
she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for
fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she
did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call
from my husband. I thought he was on a Business
Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to
Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend
to come back. He claimed he was stranded and
needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet
Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'
(Are women good or what?)
Don
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1964-1965 RCR Depot North West Canada Pl,
A Coy 2 RCR London
1965-1968 B Coy 2 RCR Fort York Germany,
Promoted to Cpl 68.
1968-1973 D Coy 1 RCR London,
Promoted M\Cpl 69
1970 Cyprus
Promoted to Sgt 73
Took my release in Sep 1973 Rank Sgt
Pro Patria
SSM, Peace Keeping, UN-Cyprus, Queen's Jubilee, CD1
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Buzz Gomes
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Hahahahahahaha....Great ones ....Randy, Bill and Don...Thanks for the chuckles...keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
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Lolololololo Good one ..Donald, and Happy Easter to you.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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watts
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps
into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 16?', he asks solemnly.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. 'Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'
'Yes, I remember' says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues.......
'Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have gotten out today.'
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Donald
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Why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married.....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. (Does this
sound like anyone you might know???)
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up a nd cuckooed 3 times..
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I go t in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem mad in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Donald
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A Catholic priest was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old Priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because he had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old Priest mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
" Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
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Buzz Gomes
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Hahahahahahahahahaha......Great jokes ..Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
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If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this....
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? 'A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?
'The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay now GET OUT and don't come back.
'Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?
"From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Elderly Man
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man, " I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man:" What sins?"
Priest:" What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: " I'm Jewish."
Priest: " Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: " I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 465
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Hahahahahahahahahaha....Great one ..Donald.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
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And God Said
God said: "Adam I want you to do something for me"
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, :Go down to the valley."
Adam said , "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to
the hill......"
Adam said, "What's is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too."
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said ( under his breath) "Geez...."
And then, just everything else, God explained that to Adam , as well.
So , Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said;
WHAT'S A HEADACHE?
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good
health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise
for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went
on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them both of to heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took
them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked
kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their
favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,
"Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing,"
Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."The old man looked
out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and
more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?"
grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "you can play for free,
every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every
imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts,
free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask,"said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven,
it is all free for you to enjoy. "The old man looked around and glanced nervously at
his wife." Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked. "That's the best part, "St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much
as you like of whatever you like , and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...''''Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Bran Muffins.
We could have been here ten years ago!."
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,
"How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."
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