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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 27418 times)
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Doug Clarkson
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Ha Ha Ha Ha....LOL Good ones guys.....Happy St Paddy's Day Boys!!!!!
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Doug Clarkson
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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the ass**** who pushed me into the pool!"
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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LOLOLOL What great jokes you guys send and Doug keep em laughing LOLOLOLOL
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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TERRY HANNA
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HAPPY ST PADDY'S DAY TO ALL..........................TWO IRISH FELLAS ON A WORLD CRUISE WHEN SUDDENLY THE SHIP STARTS SINKING, SO MURPHY AND MICK JUMP INTO AN EMPTY LIFE BOAT AND ARE SAVED, THREE MONTHS LATER THEY ARE STILL AT SEA,IN THE BOAT,NO FOOD,NO DRINK, THEY'RE DESPERATE, CLUNK!! A BOTTLE HITS THE SIDE OF THE BOAT, MURPHY PICKS IT UP AND REMOVES THE STOPPER, FLASH!! A GENIE APPEARS,"YOU HAVE ONE WISH" HE SAYS,"IS THAT RIGHT??"SAYS MURPHY "WELL,TURN ALL THE OCEAN INTO GUINNESS BEER" FLASH!!,CRASH!!! THE OCEAN TURNS INTO THE FINEST GUINNESS ANY IRISHMAN WOULD BE PROUD OFF.............."GREAT,JUST BLOODY GREAT!!!!!!!!"SHOUTS MICK "YOU HAVE GONE AND DONE IT NOW MURPH,YOU FECKING EEJIT...............................................WE GOT TO PISS IN THE BOAT NOW!!!!!!
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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Hi Terry
Same to you!!!! LOLOL Keep em coming LOLOLOL
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Buzz Gomes
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Hahahahahahahaha.......Good ones Terry & Doug..... Thanks for the laugh, don't slow down.
Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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watts
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Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back."
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Doug Clarkson
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Ha, Ha, Ha...Good one Randy
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Doug Clarkson
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 165
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An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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Hi Randy & Doug
Great jokes!! Keep em comin!! LOLOLOL
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Buzz Gomes
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Lololololo....Excellent jokes... lot of laughs .....Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
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Posts: 465
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A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ' I have a question to
ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fancy to have a nun kiss me.'She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,' Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says.' Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fancy,
with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But then they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear
child,'says the nun,' why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess.
I'm married and Jewish.'
The nun says,'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Doug Clarkson
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 165
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Buzz, was laughing so hard at that one I almost ended up on the floor.....LOL, LMFAO........Too Funny!
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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Posts: 5286
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Hi Buzz
Don't know where you get them but I too almost fell on the floor LOLOLOL
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Bill Norman
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Posts: 137
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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 400+ Member
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Hawhawhawhawhaw... Great one Bill. good thing for rocking chairs.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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ranrad
Ron [Andy] Andrews
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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