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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 30713 times)
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watts
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Posts: 183
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A Texan, a Frenchman and a Canadian were out riding horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a shot, then another, and suddenly threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his gun, and shot the bottle in mid air.
The Canadian looked at him and asked, 'What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!'
The Texan said, 'In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey, and bottles are cheap.'
A while later, the Frenchman, not wanting to be out done, pulled out a bottle of expensive wine, took a few sips, threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his gun and shot it.
The Canadian couldn't believe this and asked, 'What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!'
The Frenchman said 'In France, there's plenty of wine and bottles are cheap.'
A while later the Canadian pulled out a bottle of Molson Canadian. He opened it, took a sip, then another, and then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned around, and shot the Frenchman.
The Texan, shocked, asked 'Why did you do that?'
The Canadian answered, 'Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Frenchmen,
but beer bottles are worth a dime.'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Hahahahahahahaha....Bill & Randy.....good ones..keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
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Posts: 441
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Giving up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."
The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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The Difference Between Officers & NCMs
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but
the only visible, permanent injury was that both ears were amputated. Since
his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later
he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was however, very sensitive
about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen
who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything
different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why yes, sir, I couldn't help
but notice that you have no ears.' The General was displeased with his lack of
tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The
General then asked him the same question,' Do you notice anything different about
me?' He replied sheepishly, ' Well, sir, you have no ears,' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCM.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers
combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice
anything different about me?'To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,'Yes, sir, you wear contact
lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought,'What an incredibly observant NCM, and he didn't
mention my ears. 'He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know that I wear contacts?''Well, sir,
' The soldier replied, 'It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no F . . . . . g "EARS.'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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LOLOL Good ones guys!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Posts: 569
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Hahahahaha...excellent post Donald...thanks for the chuckles.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 569
Pro Patria
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Hypnotist At The Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Frank the
hypnotist exclaimed: " I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Frank withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat"I want you each to keep your
eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, " Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.
" SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 5353
Pro Patria
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LOLOLOLOL Good one Buzz! LOLOLOL
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
Offline
Posts: 441
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While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.'
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' said the Attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing Sergeant,' said the crewmember, 'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'
'It's now The Box Office'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 569
Pro Patria
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Hahahahahahahahah...Good one Donald...Thanks..
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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TERRY HANNA
Guest
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TWO IRISH FELLAS DRINKING IN A PUB, " MICK I MUST BE GETTING HOME,THE WIFE WILL KILL ME" SAYS MURPHY, TOTALLY INEBRIATED,HE LEAVES THE BAR ........TWO SECONDS LATER MURPHY CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR AND RUNS UP TO MICK SCREAMING, "MICK! MICK! SOMEBODY'S JUST STOLEN YOUR CAR !!!!", "DID YOU SEE WHO IT WAS  ?" SAYS MICK........"NO !!" SAYS MURPHY "BUT, I GOT THE LICENCE PLATE !!" |
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 569
Pro Patria
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Lololololo.... good one Terry
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 569
Pro Patria
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Smart Woman
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You
have cancer, and you had best your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter
had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do
not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you
were dying of cancer, and you told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said,'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
Now that's putting Your Affairs In order!
Have a good day !!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 5353
Pro Patria
|
LOLOLOL Good one guys! Keep them on coming!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 5353
Pro Patria
|
LOLOLOL Good one Donald.
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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