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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 30565 times)
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Doug Clarkson
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Ha Ha Ha LMAO....good ones guys!!
A soldier and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the sailor says, “We had the Battle of the Atlantic”.
Arching his eyebrows, the soldier replies, 'Well, we had D-day.'
'Not entirely true', responded the sailor. “it took the navy to get you to the beach!” in fact, if it wasn’t for the navy there would have been no D-day”!
The soldier responds, 'Point taken.'
The Soldier then says, “The Army earned the first VC of the war”!
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we earned the last”!
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Soldier replies, 'That is true, but it was the Army who introduced it to women.'!
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Doug Clarkson
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Here's another:
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
Hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, 'I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Donald
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Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Doug Clarkson
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A father, son and grandfather went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.
Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away, and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to hit first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.' After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the pin.
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even a soft seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt. ' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she hit first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course...
... If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Macallan Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, and then show him a very good time for the rest of the night. '
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb, 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up, handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
OLD AGE AND WISDOM WILL OVERCOME SKILL EVERY TIME!!!
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Donald
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A woman goes into the doctor's office and says, 'Doctor, you have to help me...I've got this problem: You see I can't stop farting. I fart all the time, only they are silent and don't stink. As a matter of fact, I've farted 20 times just now while talking to you.'
The doctor fills out a prescription and tells the lady, 'here, take these and come back in a week'.
So she leaves and a week later comes back to the doctors office. 'Doctor, doctor you must help me! Now things are worse. I'm still farting all the time, they are still silent but now they smell something awful. You must do something! What were those pills you gave me?'
The doctor replied, 'Oh don't worry, those pills where just to fix your sinus condition, now we'll work on your hearing problem.'
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Donald
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Sergeant's philosophy
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
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Donald
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Very Important Colonel
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
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Buzz Gomes
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Hawhawhawhaw.. Good ones .. Guys.Thanks for the laughs.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
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An Other Blonde Joke
A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says,'Come again.'
The blonde stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Donald
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The Toilet Seat Incident
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before.
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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LOLOLOLOL Real kewl Guys! Don't stop! Bring em on!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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TERRY HANNA
Guest
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THE JOKES GET BETTER,KEEP IT UP LADS.............................A GUY IN A BAR SEES THIS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS BLONDE CONSTANTLY EYEING HIM UP AND WAVING TO HIM, GOD SHE MUST EITHER KNOW ME OR WANTS TO,SO OFF HE GOES TO TALK TO HER...."HI DO YOU KNOW ME??, "YES,SHE REPLIES,"YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS",HE NEARLY S***S HIS PANTS,WRECKING HIS BRAINS TO TRY AND REMEMBER WHEN HE HAD SPENT SOME IN DEPTH QUALITY TIME WITH THIS STUNNING GIRL....."I KNOW" HE SAID "YOU WERE THE STRIPPER AT MY STAG DO,THE ONE WHO SHAGGED ME ON THE POOL TABLE,WHILST YOUR FRIEND GREASED UP A CUCUMBER AND SHOVED IT UP MY A** THEN LASHED ME WITH A WHIP,WHILST DRESSED HEAD TO FOOT IN RUBBER!!!!!!", "NO!" SHE SAID " I'M YOUR SONS SCHOOL TEACHER!!!"
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Young Ken
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Fort York - 2 RCR 67-70 * 1 RCR Recce 70-74
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Subject: SEX IN MANITOBA
A Manitoba couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will
you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both
eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them
$50 and he says good bye. The next week, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several
weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with
no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of
this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying
to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't
go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Blue Cross.
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