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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 23434 times)
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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Hi Randy
Thanx it was nice talking to you and keep the jokes a cumming lolololololololol
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Randy watts
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OFF DUTY AIRMAN
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
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Randy watts
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Hi Jim here is one for you. Here is the lost paragraph in Genesis So God asked Adam,What is wrong with you? Adam said he didn,t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said,This person will gather food for you and when you discover clothing she will wash it for you.She will always agree with every decision that you make.She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the nightto take care of them. She will not nag you and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. she will never have a headacheand will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God ,What will a woman like this cost? God replied ,"An arm and a leg" Then Adam asked , What can I get for a rib? AND THE REST IS HISTORY  |
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Randy watts
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OFF DUTY AIRMAN
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
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Randy watts
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Toward the end of the golf course ,Randy somehow hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play,he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke ,a little woman appeared ,she said,I,M Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that you won,t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still;
you won,t have any butter for for your toast for the rest of your life, as a matter of fact you won,t have any butter for anything for the rest of your life! Then POOF she was gone.
After Randy got a hold of himself, he hollered for Jim his buddy.
Jim where are you? Jim yells back,I,m over here in the pussy willows
Randy Yells back....... DON,T SWING JIM!!!!!! For Gods sake , DO,NT SWING
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Gerry Connors
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(Optional) Your Text here.
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A UFO with 2 aliens are hovering off the west coast of Newfoundland, when they spy a fishermen in his dory singing 'Ise the bye'. One says to the other:
"For a joke let's see what happens if we remove a quarter of his brain." A ray shoots out of the bottom of the space-ship: ZAP! and hits the fisherman. The fisherman gets hit, shakes it off, continues with his jigging; "Ise the bye that builds the boat..."
"Ok, ok," says the alien, lets's remove another quarter of his brain; ZAP! and hits the fisherman again. The fisherman gets hit, shakes it off, continues with his jigging while singing; "Ise the bye that sails 'er..."
Now the aliens are perplexed "Ok, ok," says the alien, lets's remove another quarter of his brain; ZAP! and hits the fisherman again. The fisherman gets hit, shakes it off, keeps on jigging and singing; "Ise the bye that catches the fish and brings her 'ome to Lizer..."
"WTF?! Remove the rest of the brain!" screams the aliens. ZAP! the poor ol' fisherman hit again. The fisherman shakes it off, and with no brain starts singing
"Frère Jacques Dormez vous? Dormez vous?"
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1RCR Duke's Coy '82 - '87; Cyprus '84 / '85
LOTPed medic 1988; CFH Halifax '88 - '90
119 AD Bty medic, CFB Chatham '90 - '95
2RCR medic '95 - '00; SFOR Bosnia, 2RCR Roto 4 '99;
42 Hlth Svc Gagetown '00 - '02
CFRC Gagetown / Fredericton '02 - '06; 'retired' Aug '06
HMCS Jolliet, Sept-Iles QC, medical staff / 'tiffy' (reserves)
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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Hi Randy
Good one lolololololololololol
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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Hi Randy
I won't swing 'cause I can't lololololololololoolololol
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Ghalsey
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And another
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of NFLD.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather
asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks
around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
"Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl,
and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted...
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
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Geoff Halsey 1 RCR 1981 - 1991 Fin 831 - 1991 - 1996 CD, UN Cyprus  |
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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HiFellas
You sure know how to tell them!!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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ranrad
Ron [Andy] Andrews
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Haw,haw,haw, guffaw, snerk, snok ,and lol lol lol.. good ones here guys, thanks for putting them up, ranrad
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RCAF,CAF, converted RCR?,1RCR 74-77 CD: SSM (Nato);CPSM,;UN-Cyp.; UN- Golan
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ranrad
Ron [Andy] Andrews
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Haw, haw, heehee, snerk ,snork..lol lol lol.. oh... maybe it was the willows, not the.p****... good one , thanks , ranrad
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RCAF,CAF, converted RCR?,1RCR 74-77 CD: SSM (Nato);CPSM,;UN-Cyp.; UN- Golan
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Ghalsey
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2 more
A fellow from NFLD is invited to his friend's cottage for the weekend, to hunt.
The first night, they stay up until the wee hours, drinking and playing cards.
The next morning, the Newfie is raring to go, of course, but his Ontarian host is much the worse for wear.
After finding himself unable to even face a cup of coffee, the host finally says "I just can't do it, I'm too hung over. Tell you what, you take my gun and my dogs and go out hunting by yourself."
Much to his surprise, the Newfie is back in less than an hour. "What happened???" the host asks.
"I ran out of dogs..." answers the Newfie.
Two Quebecers walk into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section.
Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre "Dats dem". The store clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea , we'll take four of dem dere bird in dat cage up dere" says Jean-Marc, "Put Dem in a paper bag". The clerk does and the two guys leave the store.
They get into Jean-Marc's truck and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot drop. "Dis look like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre, "Oh yea! Dis it look good" replied Jean-Marc."
They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss, "Tabernac! I guess me I got to go first eh?"says Jean-Pierre.
Jean-Pierre takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Jean-Marc watches as is buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a "SPLAT".
As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says, Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!!!!"
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Geoff Halsey 1 RCR 1981 - 1991 Fin 831 - 1991 - 1996 CD, UN Cyprus |
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Don Marche
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Texas Preacher
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.
He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"
"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street.
She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
And the preacher said.............
"Hello, Darlin!!"
Don
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1964-1965 RCR Depot North West Canada Pl,
A Coy 2 RCR London
1965-1968 B Coy 2 RCR Fort York Germany,
Promoted to Cpl 68.
1968-1973 D Coy 1 RCR London,
Promoted M\Cpl 69
1970 Cyprus
Promoted to Sgt 73
Took my release in Sep 1973 Rank Sgt
Pro Patria
SSM, Peace Keeping, UN-Cyprus, Queen's Jubilee, CD1
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Don Marche
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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles ."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
Don
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1964-1965 RCR Depot North West Canada Pl,
A Coy 2 RCR London
1965-1968 B Coy 2 RCR Fort York Germany,
Promoted to Cpl 68.
1968-1973 D Coy 1 RCR London,
Promoted M\Cpl 69
1970 Cyprus
Promoted to Sgt 73
Took my release in Sep 1973 Rank Sgt
Pro Patria
SSM, Peace Keeping, UN-Cyprus, Queen's Jubilee, CD1
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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Posts: 5189
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Hi Don
Good one lolololololol
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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