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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 30686 times)
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
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Hi Gary, some good ones here lololololololololol
I like the one of the twins!!!!
7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Gary M12
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".
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Clair "WHYTIE" Whyte
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DRIVING THE HIGHWAYS
These 16 were taken off actual police car videos
around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and elephant ears and step in horse poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."
Whytie
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1 RCR 83-87, 4 RCR 98-02, UN - CYPRUS 84, Strathroy-Caradoc Police 03-Present
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Jesse Reed
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A Newfoundlander is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. When the call ends, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Newfoundland baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Newfoundlander just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said - my boy's a typical Newfoundland baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns to the bar. The bartender says,"Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 poundsat birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Newfoundland father takes a slow swig from his Black Horse beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
"God bless Newfoundland!"
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Jesse Reed
reedj@rogers.com
1-866-808-9066
(Toll free North America)
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Don Marche
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A salesman was in town early for a sales convention and decided to go for a round of golf. After playing a while and thinking of his presentation forgot what hole he was on, and he noticed a lady playing ahead of him so he went up to her and said that he forgot what hole he was on. She told him that she was on # 9 and that he was a hole behind so he must be on # 8. Later on in the game the same thing happened so again he approached the lady and asked the same question, her reply was I am on # 16 and you’re a hole behind so you must be on # 15, That evening he met the same lady in the lounge and her what she did and she told him she was in sales. He told her that he too was in sales and asked what she was selling but she would not say as she figured he would laugh at her, but being the gentlemen he assured her that he would not laugh. She said I sell Tampax and with that he broke down in laughter. The lady was some what upset but he told her that he was in sales as well and that he sold toilet paper and it looks like I am still a hole behind.
Don
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1964-1965 RCR Depot North West Canada Pl,
A Coy 2 RCR London
1965-1968 B Coy 2 RCR Fort York Germany,
Promoted to Cpl 68.
1968-1973 D Coy 1 RCR London,
Promoted M\Cpl 69
1970 Cyprus
Promoted to Sgt 73
Took my release in Sep 1973 Rank Sgt
Pro Patria
SSM, Peace Keeping, UN-Cyprus, Queen's Jubilee, CD1
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Gerry Connors
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(Optional) Your Text here.
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One Sunday morning the priest noticed Alex, a seven year old, standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and there were small flags mounted either side.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
Good morning Father," Alex replied, still focused on the plaque and then asked. "Father, what is this?"
The priest replied, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the plaque.
Finally, his voice barely audible and trembling with fear, Alex asked, "Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
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1RCR Duke's Coy '82 - '87; Cyprus '84 / '85
LOTPed medic 1988; CFH Halifax '88 - '90
119 AD Bty medic, CFB Chatham '90 - '95
2RCR medic '95 - '00; SFOR Bosnia, 2RCR Roto 4 '99;
42 Hlth Svc Gagetown '00 - '02
CFRC Gagetown / Fredericton '02 - '06; 'retired' Aug '06
HMCS Jolliet, Sept-Iles QC, medical staff / 'tiffy' (reserves)
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Clair "WHYTIE" Whyte
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Dummies!
Will the real Dummy Please Stand Up!!!
1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or
I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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1 RCR 83-87, 4 RCR 98-02, UN - CYPRUS 84, Strathroy-Caradoc Police 03-Present
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Don Marche
Ultimate 1000+ Member
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had
been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves. "Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a
year!" There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a
Newfoundlander anymore!!!
Don
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1964-1965 RCR Depot North West Canada Pl,
A Coy 2 RCR London
1965-1968 B Coy 2 RCR Fort York Germany,
Promoted to Cpl 68.
1968-1973 D Coy 1 RCR London,
Promoted M\Cpl 69
1970 Cyprus
Promoted to Sgt 73
Took my release in Sep 1973 Rank Sgt
Pro Patria
SSM, Peace Keeping, UN-Cyprus, Queen's Jubilee, CD1
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Don Marche
Ultimate 1000+ Member
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