 Author
|
Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 29828 times)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Doug Clarkson
Veteran 100+ Member
 Offline
Gender: 
Posts: 165
Pro Patria
|
Ha Ha Ha good ones Jesse, Bill, Buzz, and Donald!!!!...LMFAO
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
|
Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
 Online
Posts: 162
Pro Patria
|
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
|
|
|
|
|
Clair "WHYTIE" Whyte
Veteran 100+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 160
|
To my darling husband, Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent , but the pick -up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. XOXOXO BE SURE AND SCROLL PAST THE PICTURE  P.S. Your girlfriend called. Whytie
|
1 RCR 83-87, 4 RCR 98-02, UN - CYPRUS 84, Strathroy-Caradoc Police 03-Present
|
|
|
|
|
Donald
Veteran 400+ Member
Offline
Posts: 430
|
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .........
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People"
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jesse Reed
Veteran 100+ Member
Online
Gender:
Posts: 144
|
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - 'very quick.' The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: 'Have you any grounds?' POLE: 'JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home.' LAWYER: 'No,' I mean what is the foundation of this case?' POLE: 'It made of concrete.' LAWYER: 'Does either of you have a real grudge?' POLE: 'No, we have carport, and not need one.' LAWYER: 'I mean, What are your relations like?' POLE: 'All my relations still in Poland.' LAWYER: 'Is there any infidelity in your marriage?' POLE: 'Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.' LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?' POLE: 'No, I always up before her.' LAWYER: 'Is your wife a nagger?' POLE: 'No, she white.' LAWYER: 'WHY do you want this divorce?' POLE: 'She going to kill me.' LAWYER: 'What makes you think that?' POLE: 'I got proof'. LAWYER: 'What kind of proof?' POLE: 'She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'.'  |
Jesse Reed
reedj@rogers.com
1-866-808-9066
(Toll free North America)
|
|
|
Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 535
Pro Patria
|
Hawhawhawhawhaw ... Great ones guys, Thanks for the laughs. Keep them coming.
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
|
|
|
|
|
Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 535
Pro Patria
|
A Chuckle
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she
had a near death experience. Seeing God she ashed 'Is my time up'?"
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided
to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone
come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
' I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?'
God replied: ' I didn't recognize you.'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
|
|
|
Jesse Reed
Veteran 100+ Member
Online
Gender:
Posts: 144
|
 |
shy man
« Reply #1428 on: June 09, 2008, 09:33:12 AM » |
|
A very shy man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
|
Jesse Reed
reedj@rogers.com
1-866-808-9066
(Toll free North America)
|
|
|
Jesse Reed
Veteran 100+ Member
Online
Gender:
Posts: 144
|
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
|
Jesse Reed
reedj@rogers.com
1-866-808-9066
(Toll free North America)
|
|
|
Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 535
Pro Patria
|
Hawhawhawhaw...Great ones Jesse...Thanks for the laughs. Keep them coming.
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
|
|
|
Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 535
Pro Patria
|
A 5 Year Old's First Job
A young family moved into a house, next to a
vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began
to build a house on the empty lot. The young
family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in the goings-on and spent much of
each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them
'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week , they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay'
she'd received to the bank the next day to start
a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the
teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay check at
such a young age. The little girl proudly replied ,
" I worked last week with a construction crew
building the new house next door to us."
" Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot
ever deliver the F....n' sheet rock.
Have a good day !!!
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
|
|
|
|
| |
Logged
