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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 30570 times)
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Buzz Gomes
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Hawhawhawhaw....Great ones ..Guys...Keep them coming. Thanks for the laughs.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
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Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Newfoundland community. After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother; all Newfie women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Marystown to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!'
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Young Ken
Veteran 300+ Member
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Fort York - 2 RCR 67-70 * 1 RCR Recce 70-74
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars"
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't
ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
ken
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Young Ken
Veteran 300+ Member
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Fort York - 2 RCR 67-70 * 1 RCR Recce 70-74
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After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when
the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just
over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
'I found the remote.' he mumbled.
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Posts: 565
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Hawhawhawhaw...Great ones..Ken..Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Posts: 565
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Mortgage Problems
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his
birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want
me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, :Well, the mortgage is still extremely
high, sorry about that. Ask me some other time.
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, :Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard
you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and Dam
if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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watts
Veteran 100+ Member
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with the Devil.
The Devil asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the Devil said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the Devil asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The Devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker! , slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You i nto drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The Devil said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...
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Doug Clarkson
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Alot of good Jokes there guys!!! LMFAO !!!
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for months.
One morning, they awoke and found a stunningly beautiful, totally naked, redhead lying face up on the beach, unconscious.
She was still alive, but badly sunburned and in obvious need of medical care.
One lawyer said to the other, "We've been stranded here without a woman for so long. Do you think we should screw her?"
Shocked at his friend's comment, the other lawyer said: "Out of what??"
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Doug Clarkson
Veteran 100+ Member
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Driving through Wisconsin on their vacation, a couple drove into the town of Oconomowoc. They immediately began to argue about its pronunciation.
Since it was lunch time, they pulled into a fast-food restaurant for a bite to eat.
Standing at the counter, they asked the blonde girl behind the counter, "Before we order, would you please settle an argument for us? Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and slowly said, "Bur ...grrr ... King!"
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Cornwallis 78 - 79, 1 RCR 79 - 84, Cyprus 84 - 85, 1 RCR: 85 - 89, Cyprus 89 - 90, 1 RCR 90 - 92, Kingston 92 - 94, 1 RCR 94,
Croatia 94 - 95, 1 RCR: 95 - 97, 3 RCR 97 - 98, Bosnia 98 - 99, 3 RCR 99, CFJSR Kingston 99 - 04, DAT Kingston 04 - 07, Retired: 07, Class "B" BCWO Assistant CFB Kingston 07 - Present
UNFICYP 2, UNPROFOR, NATO Former Yugo, CFPSM, QGJM, CD1
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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LOLOLOL Good ones Guys LOLOLOLOL
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 565
Pro Patria
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Hawhawhawhaw...Great ones..Guys..Keep them coming.
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
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Posts: 171
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom..."
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 5353
Pro Patria
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LOLOL Good ones Guys LOLOL
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 565
Pro Patria
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Hawhawhaw..Great one ..Bill..Thanks for the laughs.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 500+ Member
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Gender:
Posts: 565
Pro Patria
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Deep Thoughts
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear
him.
Is he still wrong?
Have a good day !!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Veteran 100+ Member
Offline
Posts: 171
Pro Patria
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Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.
They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.
She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her going down on her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, 'I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!’ Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So, he wrote a note on the back of her photo:’ Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!'
...and then mailed the picture to her parents.
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Jesse Reed
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