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Topic: The "Jokes" Thread (all the jokes and funny pictures go here) (Read 22836 times)
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Buzz Gomes
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Posts: 387
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Hahahahahaha...great ones guys..keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 300+ Member
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Posts: 387
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Revenue Canada Tax Auditor
At the end of the year, Revenue Canada sent a auditor to audit
the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings"?
Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
box of candles".
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.
But he went on, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs"?
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the auditor was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send
a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know - it - all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you preform"?
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada,
and about once a year they send us a complete Dick".
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Bill Norman
Hero Member
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Posts: 86
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JESUS
An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar.
They're all staring at a man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, but not one of them recognizes him, and they are getting annoyed. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send Him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Blue Star. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After He's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When He lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Newfie who says, "Back off, buddy, I'm on disability benefit."
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 387
Pro Patria
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Hawhawhawhawhaw...Great one ...Bill...Thanks..Keep them coming.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 387
Pro Patria
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Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask , Mary?'
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
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Good ones guys. Thanx!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Donald
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Posts: 365
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God Was Busy
Yea for the GOOD GUYS!!!
A young soldier was attending some college courses between assignments .
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?'
Came the reply,
'God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me'
THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 387
Pro Patria
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Hawhawhawhawhaw.....Good one..Donald...Thanks for the chuckles.
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 387
Pro Patria
|
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and, of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' Slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'It looks like you've had quite a few
to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Do you know, 'says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your
wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
Have a good day!!!
Buzz
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1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 5183
Pro Patria
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Good ones Donald and Buzz!!
Jim
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1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Donald
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Posts: 365
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IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...' 'Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title
deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership
to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again,
'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
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Buzz Gomes
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 387
Pro Patria
|
Hahahahahaha...good one ..Donald...thanks for the laughs.
Buzz
|
1964-1968- 2 QOR Calgary, Cyprus
1968-1971- 2 CDO Edmonton
1971-1975- 3 Mech CDO Germany, A Coy Mor
1975-1983- 1 RCR London, Bn Tpt,C Coy, B Coy, Recce
1983-1985- RCR Battle School
1985-1990-1 RCR, B Coy, Dukes, Recce, Cyprus
1990-1992- OMD HQ Ottawa, G3 Trg
1992-1993- LMD HQ London, G3 Trg
1993-2007-4 RCR, RSM
Retired CWO
|
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Jim Hickson
CWO H.J. Hickson, MMM, CD. (Retd)
Ultimate 2000+ Member
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 5183
Pro Patria
|
Good one Donald LOL
Jim
|
1961-Depot San Lenorado
1962-1st Bn RCR Ex Gagetown
1962-JR NCO Course Grad 19 Oct
1962-1965 Germany B-C-D-A Coy (Revecated Nov 64)
1965-1967 Sigs Pl Cyprus Prom CPL 'til xmas and C of Drums
1967-1973 Cpl, MCpl, Sgt, Sigs, D Coy
1973-1977 CFOCS Chilliwack Prom WO
1977-1982 UEO, Sigs, Pl WO RECCE, CSM B&A Coy,
1982-1984 SIT School
1984-1988 Career Manager (Prom CWO 1986)
1988-1990 RSM 1RCR
1991-1995 CWO Adm(Per) - C Of S
1995-1999 Base CWO Wainwright
1999-Retired
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Donald
Veteran 300+ Member
Offline
Posts: 365
|
God Was Busy
Yea for the GOOD GUYS!!!
A young soldier was attending some college courses between assignments .
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?'
Came the reply,
'God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me'
THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING
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